When does a friendship between a validly married, civilly separated, divorced or single woman and a validly married, civilly separated, divorced or single man becomes adultery? What is adultery? What is a friendship? What is allowed or not allowed? To begin with, friendship is a relationship that is perfectly normal and allowed between any two people, no matter what their state in life is. Friendship, in essence, is a sharing type love between two persons. It is composed of and built on four elements: equality, esteem, affection and value sharing.
Friends feel themselves equal between each other and comfortable, confident and open in their relationship. It is not a fear relationship where one feels less than, afraid of and dominated by the other. That is a state of servitude and emotional oppression and leads to nowhere. Friends also esteem each other. They have respect and admiration for the qualities or differences of each other and know how to appreciate one another. A friend does not try to destroy, subjugate or eliminate the qualities or differences of the other simply because they do not please or satisfy him. A friend also feels affection for his friend. This is natural and normal since humans possess a heart full of feelings and emotions that are constantly felt in relation to the other and invoked and stimulated by the metaphysical goodness he possesses. We need to distinguish however, feelings from their actual expressions which are actions. Finally, friends share values. Birds of a feather flock together. Musicians like to be with musicians, teachers with teachers, athletes with athletes, etc. This is only the beginning of friendship, however. As soon as the presence of the other becomes greater, we discover more profound and beautiful values to share with that person with whom we strengthen and deepen our friendship. It is the values that exist between two people which guarantee and are the basis and duration of a long, lovely, enriching and lasting friendship.
Friendships, therefore, are very good and healthy for all of us. We grow and become more ourselves through these types of relationships. Friendships, therefore, are perfectly normal between a married man and other women, whether single or not, between a married woman and other men, whether single or not. Friendships can exist between celibate men like priests and other women, whether married or not. Friendships, of course, require emotional maturity or else they can end up in disaster.
Adultery is a situation of impurity. To mix milk with water or gasoline with a chemical element that dilutes it is to “adulterate” the product, or make it impure. For a married woman to disrespect her husband and involve herself in a relationship that is not of friendship with a man, but imitates and involves the intimacy of marriage is a mortal sin that leads to the eternal loss of her soul as well as of her partner. People involve themselves in adulterous situations for basically selfish reasons. They feel themselves emotionally deprived, immature, infantile, needy, etc and decide to exploit the bodies and feelings of the other for their own self-centered purposes. To insult a human being in this way is rob him of his rightful dignity. To humiliate him by turning him into an object of use for a selfish end is a crime and sin and demeans this person who is a son or daughter of a holy God created in His image. In an act of adultery, one disrespects and is disloyal to one’s self and the principles assumed to live by, is disrespectful and unfaithful to the spouse that he promised to love, disrespectful and cynical before the society he promised to honor his marriage and to God and His Church to whom he made his solemn vows and compromise.
If a person is having problems in his marriage, there are many options open to him to save the relationship: the psychological profession, religious counselors, the grace of God in the Sacrament of Matrimony, prayer, the presence of good and compassionate friends, literature, the internet, etc. Only after he has exhausted every means can a person think of separation or divorce or annulment. Even so, he is still morally required to maintain his marriage in good faith and respect and to pray constantly for the salvation of the lawfully wedded other half. The children should never be exposed to second husbands or wives or adulterous partners since this creates a big moral and psychological confusion in their minds as well as wound them emotionally. Even if the wife or husband has committed many faults in the past that left emotional scars, respect for the father or mother is to be maintained before the children and never humiliate their fathers or mothers before them and make a monster of them before the children who will therefore, develop an exaggerated hate for. Jesus made confession a private affair because He knew how important the salvation of our reputation is before society. In the same way, the moral dirty laundry and underwear of a family should never be exposed before the eyes of children or outside adults. We must all have a true and sincere love and respect for each other as human beings.
Anthony Mellace
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