The Night of the Animal Oscar
Act I:
In one of the most luxurious stables of Beverly Hills, the president of the A.A.A.A.A.A. (the Aggregated Animal Actors and Actresses Association of America), Ham Warmer of Warmer Brothers Co., called together his colleagues to discuss a very important matter. The invited members were:
-Ms. Gold Canary of McCrow-Goldfinch-Meadowlark (MGM)
-Whoa Colt of Uni-horse-all Pictures
-Fuzz Z. Wazzee of Bear Amount Pictures
-Flem N. Coe of Waltz Cisne
-Red Rooster of Twenty Sentry Cocks
- Moo Cau of Cudumbia Pictures
President Warmer:
“Fellow species, for many years now, Hollywood has persistently recognized and awarded the artistic talents of humans alone. I believe the time has come to render justice to the countless animals that have brought us much glory by their participation in cinema history. It is not right that tokens of appreciation be denied them since; they too, had a part in artistic expression.”
Secretary Colt: “
Are you suggesting that we invent an animal Oscar for the greatest animal actors and actresses?”
Ham Warmer:
“Precisely! It will be a unique event; a rare moment in which we manifest and reveal to the world the wonderful instincts we possess!”
Treasurer Fuzz Z:
“Who can we solicit as master of ceremonies?”“
2nd Treasurer Rooster:
“Why not the famous singer and actress Ostrich Dry-Sand of the Owl and the Pussy-Cat? She has vitality, charm and animality. I believe she could handle the procedures of the Oscar very well.
Vice-pres. Canary:
“Excellent choice! I am also in favor of picking her to coordinate the event.”
Ham Warmer:
“Very well, then. Are we all in favor to see this ceremony through?
(All raise their paws, claws and hooks in unanimous approval)
Ham Warmer:
“Very good. Now we must see to it that each does his part as far as the organization of the night goes (date, location, invitations, advertisement, costs, etc.). I believe it will be an unforgettable evening; and generations to come will re-hearse.”
(Meeting adjourned; everyone retires and goes off to plan the event)
Act II:
(On the opening night, Ostrich Dry-Sand entered the stage amidst warm and intense applauses, as she wiggled her feathers to the audience)
Ostrich:
“Hello and good night to all you wonderful beasts! This evening, we are really going to rock the ark! We want to honor the 12 best diverse species of cinema history. The categories will be:
01. Shortest Animal Film
02. Best Animal Song
03. Best Foreign Animal Film
04. Best Animal Comedy
05. Best Animal Sound
06. Best Animal Sound Effects
07. Best Animal Special Effects
08. Best Supporting Animal Actor
09. Best Supporting Animal Actress
10. Best Animal Actor
11. Best Animal Actress
12. Best Animal Film
And now, without any further ado, let us proceed to our first category. I would like to invite the actress Moldy Lawn of Butterflies are Free to present this Oscar.”
(Moldy is applauded and cheered as she flutters up to the podium)
Moldy Lawn:
“Oh you marvelous claws and hooks! I feel very privileged to cite the candidates for this evening. The runner ups for Shortest Animal Film are:
Cocoon
Lord of the Flies
The Day of the Locust
The Love Bug
The Mosquito Coast
Where the Green Ants Dream
...And the Oscar goes to: “Cocoon!”
(A heavy round of applause is heard as a larva slides off the seat and inches her way to the stage to receive the Oscar)
Moldy Lawn:
“Where is she? I can’t see her!”
Ostrich:
“Everyone please be careful not to step on her. Since it will take awhile for her to get here, let us go on to the second category.”
Moldy Lawn:
“For the best animal song, by unanimous vote... the Oscar goes to Mr. Ed for his song “A horse is a horse, of course!”
(The audience claps intensely as Mr. Ed stomps noisily up the stage. After singing his song once again to the pleasure of all, he secures the statue between his teeth and returns to his seat)
Ostrich:
“Thank you, Mr. Ed that was a very fine presentation. I would now like to call a very dear and prominent actress, to present the next award. Many of you have seen her in the films Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf? Male and female species, let us warmly welcome Miss Elizacat Tail-her!”
(An intense applause greets the green-eyed feline as she elegantly pounces to the platform)
Elizacat:
“Scratches and licks to all you cuddly creatures! You are simply ravishing! For the best foreign animal film, the candidates are:
Ice Station Zebra
Paris Trout
Born Free
The Lion of Africa
...And the Oscar goes to: Elza, the lioness of Born Free!”
(As the music pours over the sound system, Elza proudly jumps to the stage, amidst meows and roars of approval. As Elizacat hands her the statue, more applauses rise from the audience. Elizacat whispers as she hugs her:
Elizacat:
“You have to do something about that terrible breath and odor of yours! You are going to kill off half our guests this evening!”
Moldy Lawn:
“ For the best animal comedies, by unanimous vote, the Oscar goes to: Cheetah of Tarzan the Ape-man! Let us give a hearty applause to the funniest chimpanzee of all times!
(The audience rises to their hoofs as they honor the silliest monkey of cinema history. Cheetah swings on her hands to receive her prize. She faces the audience, raises her arms and bows her head to thank everyone for the homage received. Rambling over the stage and wiping a tear from her face, she holds high the statue given to her. She then makes the traditional shake of her head, screaming aloud and passing her hand over her eyes. The animals roar with applause, laughter and whistles of contentment.)
Ostrich:
“I would now like to call Mr. Jackal Talents of Simply Believe it or Not to present the next awards.”
(With a cynical smirk across his face, the hyena meandered up to the stage)
Jackal:
“What an appetizing night! What fine taste there is! My senses are tuned to every one of you! By unanimous approval, the Oscar for the best animal sound goes to: Flipper the dolphin!”
(Flipper is brought to the stage in an inflatable rubber pool. He flaps with glee as he approaches the podium)
Ostrich:
“Flipper, control yourself. You are splashing water all over the floor and getting us wet! Please, Jackal, hand him his statue and get him back to his seat!”
(Flipper takes one great leap and the water drenches Elizacat Tail-her)
Elizacat:
“Oh my word! My 200,000 dollar evening gown! This salt water is making it shrink! Why did you have to bring that fish here?”
Jackal:
“Madame, Flipper is a mammal, believe me!”
Ostrich:
“O.K. now, let’s get on with our program. Jackal, please leave those chickens alone and get back to the microphone!”
Jackal:
“Pardon me, I got carried away.
Elizacat:
“... The Oscar for the best animal sound effects, by unanimous vote, goes to the winged species of All-Bred Rich-Cock’s The Birds.”
(As the audience whistled, an immense flock swooped towards Elizacat. While one grabbed the Oscar from her claws with his beak, the others flew round and round the stage. Elizacat secured her head as she screamed):
Elizacat:
“Oh fiddlesticks! Get those creatures off my hair! I paid 1,500 dollars to have it styled for the occasion! Look at me now, I’m a terrible mess! Oh, why did I accept to come here tonight?” (She lay over on the floor and cried).
Ostrich:
“Shame on you birds! Have you no manners? Get back to your seats!”
(Everyone quiets down as the next category is announced)
Ostrich:
“I would like to call to the stage Random Nest of Batman to present the award for the best animal effects.”
Random:
“Gentle paws, good evening! It’s not very easy for an animal to imitate a human being, but I take my cape off in admiration to those capable of this difficult task. ...And the Oscar tonight for the best effects goes to: Francis the talking mule! A special Oscar will also be awarded to Nex Praire-Sun of Dr. Doolittle who took the pains to learn our animal tongue.”
(A grateful applause accompanies Francis and Nex as they go to receive their award)
Ostrich:
“I would like to invite Mr. Water Pidgeon of Cinderella to give out the Oscar for the next category.”
(Water hops to the microphone amidst applause)
Water:
“You know, only strong animal artists can really carry a good film through. For this reason, the Oscar in the category of the best supporting animal actors goes to the elephants of Elephant Walk!”
(A row of elephants stand up and slowly make their way to the stage as they emit shrilling and boisterous sounds)
Ostrich:
“O.K. boys, please keep the noise down… and Oh… be careful not to step on the larva that is still getting nearer to the stage!”
(One of the elephants takes the statue with his trump, lifts it high for everyone to see, gives a loud cry and returns to his seat)
Moldy Lawn:
“Oh heavens! There is elephant poop all over the stage!”
Water:
“Quick, call the pigs to clean it up.”
(a herd of swine run up to the platform and lick clean the mess)
Ostrich:
“I call now upon an old mate of mine, the foxy Robber Redlord of 3 Days of the Condor to announce the next category.”
Robber:
“The supporting animal actress many times has to pay dearly for her part; as she is often forgotten and lost in the background, while the principal artist rides on the hump of glory. In this category, we want to honor the animal actress without whom it would not be possible to run the film. …by unanimous choice, the Oscar goes to Black Beauty”
(As the audience rose to applaud, the horse raced to the stage and knocked over the podium and Redlord. Standing on her hinds and lifting her hoofs, she held her head high and bowed in thanksgiving)
Ostrich:
“You can return to your seat now.”
Moldy Lawn:
“If you need to use the restrooms, they will be to your left!”
Ostrich:
“Fellow species, we are now down to our final categories. Our instincts rise in apprehension as we await the final decisions for the best animal actor of cinema. To give out this Oscar, I would like to invite the famous Italian-American actor, Pal Canino, the star of Dog Day Afternoon. Creatures let us hear it for him!”
(The audience rises on its hind as Pal, with his floppy ears and sad, serious, melancholic look slowly pants his way to the stage)
Pal:
“Before I begin, I would like to salute all my fellow canines present here tonight: woof, woof, rough, rough!”
(The wolves and dogs in the audience howl and bark in recognition of their idol)
Pal: We tough mutts have become very distinguished in great classics as:
Call of the wild
Never cry wolf
Oh, heavenly dog
K-9
All dogs go to heaven
The hounds of Baskerville
White fang
l
But the Oscar goes to the most famous of all German shepherds—Rin-tin-tin!”
Pal:
“Rin, congratulations. You have been chosen and recognized by the Academy as the greatest animal actor of all times. In your acrobatic stunts, Rin, you have shown the distances that any one of us can reach. You are an inspirational scent to all. May your memory live forever!
(As another heavy round of applause is given, an ancient hound, relative of Rin-tin-tin receives the Oscar in his memory)
Ostrich:
“At this moment, I would like to invite one of the most popular and beloved actors of cinema to give out the award for the best animal actress of all times. Fellow species, let us give a hearty welcome to Hiss Bologne of Cobra!”
(The snake slithers to the microphone and wraps himself around it. With his tongue between his teeth, he announces the nominees)
Hiss:
“Hi broders! Gee, its grate to bee hear! All you guys look fancy and swell! I even see two of you at once! Hi Elizacat, boy, are you dressed to poison the viper! Hey, wadda you tink to get an ice cream cone after da show? Wadda you say to dat?”
Elizacat:
“I prefer Willard and his rats than the likes of your kind!”
Ostrich:
“Hiss, please get on with the award!”
Hiss:
“Oh yea. O.K., I jus wanna say hello to all the turtles and bull-dogs out dare. Hey guys, yea, good to see ya! Well, ‘cordin’ to ereybudy’s ‘pinion, de bes’ anima’ atress is… and da winna is Lassie, of Lassie Come Home!”
Elizacat:
“That’s not the way you say it, you bird-brain. You are supposed to announce it:…..and the Oscar goes to…”
(From an elegant birdhouse seat, the vice-president of MGM, Ms. Canary, rose in indignation and chirped to Elizacat):
Ms. Canary:
“Who are you calling a bird-brain, Ms. Tail-her?”
Elizacat (pale and trembling):
“Oh, excuse me, Ms. Canary, it was just a slip of the tongue. I apologize for the term used!”
Ostrich:
“Come here, Lassie, and let me give you a hug. You are the most famous collie and animal actress of all cinema history. You have brought fame and honor to our animal kingdom. You are one of the most talented beasts ever to appear on the screen.”
(The audience lifted their claws and hooks and applauded for a full 15 minutes. Lassie, in his customary way lifted his paw in grateful appreciation).
Ostrich:
“And now fellow species, the moment we all have been waiting for: The Oscar for the best animal film of all times. To announce the nominees, I hand over the microphone to one of the most distinguished, talented and celebrated names of film history: male and female creatures, let us warmly welcome Mr. Cracker Peck.
(The audience stood up and gave a prolonged applause as the dignified rooster hopped up to the stage).
Cracker:
“Thank you all you versatile, fluttering, flying, hopping, galloping, crawling, diving and climbing exotic members of our kind. It has been a very impressive evening of marvelous presentations. And now we have come to the culmination of this event: the best animal film of all times. There have been some very excellent works in cinema history, but tonight, only one can occupy the privileged space of the best amongst the rest. The pick of candidates proposed by the Academy are:
Rooster Cogburn
The Maltese Falcon
To Kill a Mockingbird
Father Goose
Where Pidgeons Go To Die
Crocodile Dundee
Moby Dick
Animals Are Beautiful People
Lassie Come Home
...And the Oscar goes to Lassie Come Home as the best animal film of all times!
(At this moment, fireworks are ignited while the band plays an animated tune. As everyone rises to acclaim and honor the story that captivated the hearts of millions of humans, the collie Lassie comes once again to the stage to receive his second Oscar and walks contented away).
Ostrich:
“Well my fellow creatures, it has been a wonderful evening and I would like to thank all of you who participated tonight.”
Moldy Lawn:
“Oh, wait one minute! The larva made it to the stage! The poor thing is tired and exhausted from such a long journey! Please, is there someone to help carry her statue (so that she be not crushed by it) and bring it back to the seat?”
(At this moment, a fly carried the larva on his back, while a water buffalo had the fly rest on his ear; carrying them and the Oscar back to their seats).
Act III
Ham Warmer:
“I would like to thank all of you who came to pay homage to our event; and I am also proud to mention the fact that it has been a most successful and entertaining animal ceremony. Before we close with an animal hymn, I would like to present the newly elected board members of the A.A.A. (Animal Art Academy) who will coordinate the next Oscar Awards, which will take place every four years:
1. President: Mr. Grumpy Go-Cart of the Maltese Falcon.
2. Vice-President: Ms. Flippy Bedridden of The Birds.
3. Secretary: Prawl Hold-none of Crocodile Dundee.
4.Treasurer: Wind East-stood of Bronco Billy.
(An intense round of applause is heard as Ham Warmer invests his authority on the new preparatory commission).
Anthony Mellace
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